I grew up in Lucknow. It’s the capital of Uttar Pradesh and is well on its way to become the next metropolitan (but that’s another story). You know here in the big city ie; Mumbai , I was quite not comfortable telling this to people for a while , when ever I used to tell them “ I am from Lucknow” I would get more or less the same reply from the list of these common replies or I may say Exclamations…
1. OH Lucknow Gaon (Village) Se ho…. (Its has everything a metro should has , you asshole!!! :x )
2. Oh to behen ji ke Rajya se ho… ( I didn’t vote for her :X )
3. OH lucknow Ke Nawab !!! ( Yaa Asshole ,my pot belly , and womanizing tendencies might have prompted that too you !!! :x)
4. Crime to bahut hai na waha pe… (Yaa, FYI , Babies are born with a gun in their hand in Lucknow !!!! )
At first I was upset with such reactions, but with time I learned to live with them, now I just go along with people…….
Me – “Yaa, life was really tough in Lucknow; It was nothing but a barren wasteland with concrete parks and Mayawati statues all around… Every morning my mom would send my dad to work at the mines with a just a lunch box full of kebabs and paratha , and some whisky to go with , on his way to work he used to drop me at the “Criminal school” , you could clearly see that I wasn’t that good at school , or I would have mugged you ,right here right now. Anyway, as I was saying there are no roads, no parking lots, the infrastructure sucks , you know we had to park our Merc’s and Bentley’s in on the road whenever we went to Mc’donalds for a Happy meal.”
Generally by the time I am finished the other fellow has registered in the back of his mind NOT to ask this question again.
See now I have taken a stand for my city and myself, it was not like this always, I think those self help books are finally starting to make a difference.
Yes I read them, YOU CAN WIN, CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL etcetera etcetera , the list is endless , each of these books tells you to be happy , to reinforce positive thinking, no matter how bad things go , they tell you to look at it in a positive way like…..
Positive me – “Hey everybody (looking out of the window) , well I guess we are gonna have ourselves a nuclear holocaust :D , OH HEY EVERYBODY COME UP TO THE WINDOW !!!! :D ……………. Look at that Mushroom Cloud….. :D , ………..aint that beautiful…..and and … the amazing thing to me is that…… something so magnificent…….so colorful ……… could just………..,………………Melt your Face right off !!!!” :D :D :D
See that’s Positive Energy , you Gotta look death right in the Face ……..thats what the positive me would do…..
Positive Me - “Oh Hiii Mr. Death , You look like you can Use Some Soup……”:D :D
I wanna be like that man , Imagine If you could actually be that Happy, that would be Powerful , People would be tunneling under the street to AVOID YOU ……
Man 1 – “Go…. GO…away man , Is the Happy Guy still Out there….???”
Man 2 - (On ph.)… HONEY, LOOKS LIKE I AM GONNA BE LATE AGAIN ,…… NAHHH…. IT’S THE HAPPY GUY, HE IS RIGHT BESIDE THE CAR,I CANT GET NEAR IT !!!!
Well if I wanted to be this happy, I just have to forget about all my problems. And the only time I forget all my problems, is when I am right in the middle of an Orgasm…. So I try to have them as often as I can …. I am having one right now…. You see this is my only escape, Sure I can go on a vacation, but I will still be thinking what I am gonna do when I come home, see for me … an Orgasm is like…………. “a MINI VACATION….” , but its better because you cant think about anything while you are having one… for 30 seconds you are free….
Hmmm , talk about problems , everyone has them , big ,small, fat , short , all types.. dry , messy … u know , but whatever kind , a problem is problem ….
Me ??? I worry about the weirdest and stupidest things…. Like for example “what if you found out that YOUR MOM AND DAD went to Hell??”. You will be running all around thinking ….
“THEY TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW…OH MY GOD I EVEN LOOK LIKE THEM!!!!!”
Off course my mom would drive the devil crazy, if she ever went to hell..(but that’s another topic, gotta stick to the point , yes !!! the point …… Okk even m not sure what the point is……).
Anyway, talking about Hell, makes you wonder if heaven and hell are real, may there is no such place as hell , Maybe hell is Sitting in an AC bus with chicken Pox, having to share the seat with a fat guy with whom you have to arm wrestle the whole way for the hand rest , and watching “AAP KA SUROOR” and “JHOOM BARABAR JHOOM” Back to back…..(I still get shivers when I remember that day)…. Burning in hell would be better off I think…..
Here is another scary thought … Getting OLD … you know the stage of the human body where you cant do Cartwheels , lift heavy weights , Party all Night , when it takes you all night to do what you used to do all night, and by the time you are ready to do it , your partner has already dozed off…. (I know its an old PJ….. but nobody can cry “plagiarism” for using it… he he … I RULE!!!) .
Frankly speaking , I don’t want be that old, I d rather die, I don’t want to be in that stage of life when taking a piss would seem like going to war. Have you seen old people??? , Off course I am not talking about your sweet 70-80 year old grandma, who gives you sweets every now and then, but I am talking about the one’s over 90 and who are not willing to let go….. you are like a baby.. you have no sense of what’s going on ??? You cant recognize your own sons and daughters , coz you your head is all screwed up, u poop and piss all day long and lets face it u are no longer as cute as a baby , so the one cleaning up after you isn’t really happy , they are probably doing it ,so that you leave them something out of your Will.
Life of an old person is boring , you sit all day in your room , if you are lucky enough , you have a TV , or not , Sometimes you get occasional visitors , whom you don’t wanna let go off at any cost . When I meet such people , I realize how far back they have to reach back to remember their days of glory…..and they will tell you these stories while chewing god knows what … it will make a sound like this Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom….. you are getting what I mean…..
“nom nom nom nom “ Remember……..Remember , how fast I used to be , when I was a SPERM!!!! , I ll never forget the day of the Big race , (nom nom nom nom) …..THERE WERE MILLIONS of us in the field………. BUT I BEAT THEM ALL…. To fertilize that egg Mister!!!! , Back in the Cervix I was SEMEN 1st CLASS !!!”
That is why I keep challenging myself , so that I have some interesting stories to tell when I am an old geezer ,like the one above. I try my hands on a lot of things , and I try to be Happy about ,it to stick by them , what ever may be the outcome, no matter how many times Anyone tells me…
“MISTER , YOU ARE WRONG !!!!”
I just cover up my ears and stand by the decision I have taken , the side I have picked up.....that shows ‘CHARACTER’ , its about being rock solid on what I you believe in, and not giving up until you have accomplished it….
Lets take the father of our nation Mahatma Gandhi as an example, you would never see Gandhi sneaking into the Kitchen at night while he was on a hunger strike……
LORD MOUNTBATTEN – Gandhi, what are you doing down here at the kitchen this late???
MAHATMA GANDHI – (looking nonchalant) OH, I thought I heard a prowler ……………….and I was Going to hit him on his head with this Large Bowl of Potato salad.
See….. he wouldn’t put him self in such a situation, when he said HUNGER STRIKE … he meant it. Another thing that we need to take a stand is , that we need to be calm and composed ,whatever maybe the situation we shouldn’t loose our cool….like take Jesus For example, Jesus maintained his composure ,that tranquil state of mind even when he was being Crucified….i mean if I was there in place of Jesus , I would be like……
OH !!! THIS HURTS ,, NO , NO NOT IN THE WRISTS ….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHH!!!!..... OH MAN !! THIS IS JUST BEAUTIFUL !!!!!, GREAT !!!!!!,sob sob …………. YOU GUYS ARE GONNA GET IT (whimper) ………….WAIT TILL MY DAD HEARS ABOUT IT !!!!
There would be a whole different book then…….
But In the Midst of all that calmness and tranquil ness there are some times when I get those weird impulses, you know the ones I am talking about , it like when your best friend in the whole wide world is standing next to you talking and the thought comes to your mind……
“MY GOODNESS…….. I CAN JUST FIRE AT HIM AND HIT HIM IN THE FACE …….HE LL NEVER EXPECT IT”
But you don’t , you don’t fall to the impulse, you control it , its that control that keeps a man in the world of Sane and away from the world of the mentally deranged……
“SHOULD I STICK MY HAND INTO THAT RUNNING FAN , OR SHOULD I JUST TURN BACK AND LEAVE???”
“SHOULD I SLIT MY TONGUE WITH THIS RAZOR BLADE , OR SHOULD I JUST FINISH SHAVING AND MOVE AWAY FROM THE SINK???”
COME ON MAN ..just do it…. Its there ,the tongue, the razor, then why not do it ??? its that small voice in our head that keeps us SANE… that tells us….
“oh no no no, turning the car in the direction of oncoming traffic is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE !!!!”
Its that voice in your head that stops you from doing crazy stuff, if it weren’t there we would be apologizing to each other all day long….
“OH HII THERE!!!!”
“Oh I am so sorry, I just felt like doing it when a saw your face….”
I think 15 out of 20 of the worst impulses that we get are when we are driving, so that’s why I don’t think it is a good idea to carry a GUN in the GLOVE COMPARTMENT ,coz chances are if it’s there ,sooner or later you are going to use it .
“But off course , What are you going to do if somebody just cuts you off on the Highway ,just let them go ? , you will very much have to shoot them you know , otherwise they won’t learn nothing….” :P
Or you can always race them, cut them, block them , pull them out of their car, and Bruce lee/Jackie chan on their asses, but be sure you know Marshal arts before you try something like this, otherwise you are going to make a fool of yourself. Seriously , Out of many things that annoy me, one is people who haven’t mastered the technique but are Grand masters when it comes to showing off their karate….
“HEY THERE , I JUST LEARNED THIS COOL NEW MOVE IN KARATE, I WILL STAND LIKE THIS WITH THIS COOL DEFENSIVE STANCE ,AND YOU COME RUNNING TOWARDS ME WITH TRYING TO STRIKE ME….
Yes Asshole…. Can I do anything else to make it easier for you maybe I can make an arrow over my eyes which says “POKE HERE” and yell…..
“HEY , I AM A MUGGER , KICK ME IN THE GROIN , AND POKE MY EYES OUT!!!!”
Or maybe I can put my head below the back wheel of your car…
I am pretty sure this is how it goes down on the streets…
MUGGER – “GIVE ME YOUR MONEY !!!”
The MARSHAL ART GUY – NO !!!
MUGGER- “Alright then , I am gonna have to stab ya, with my right hand in a lunging Fashion, try to keep your weight on your Back Leg , So you can Tackle me….”
WHAT WORLD IS THIS ??? WHAT WONDERFUL WORLD!!!!
Well all this wont be necessary, if we would learn to communicate properly, now communication isn’t all that easy as it sounds… ME??? Personally I am a very poor at communicating when it comes to one on one Basis..
Normally when I meet a person I say “HI , HOW ARE YOU ?”
To which people generally reply as “I AM FINE ,THANK YOU”
But sometimes they just surprise you , “I HAVE NO DREAM MAN , WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH MY LIFE ????”
Its times like these when my mind says “WRONG ANSWER PAL!!! BUT THANK YOU FOR PLAYING !!!! BYE BYE !!! ”
But damn the small voice in my head , I stay , and I say “And , Why do you Feel So ???”, and the story of begins…. , where I have to mindlessly nod and say ‘uh huh’, ‘ok ..and then’ to as to how the other person has Screwed up his/her life…. What I don’t understand “WHY ARE THEY TELLING ME THIS ???”
Then sometimes some people are so used to hearing “HI HOW ARE YOU !!!” that when a person says ….“HIIII” , they automatically say “ HII , I AM FINE !!!” , so what happens is that the conversation goes nowhere, and they are stuck with that small hissing voice in their head…..
“He thinks you are stupid……………. he is going to tell everybody……………..Kill Him, KILL HIMMM!!!!!”
And So, before you start hearing a small voice in your head that will tell you….
“This Snehil Guy has been at this ‘Soul Curry’ for So long now , I cant take it any more … kill Him … KILL HIMMMM!!!!!”
I d like to say …… THE END ….. !!!! :P